My Journey home
It’s Monday, and by all accounts this is a day I should loath right? Everyone hates Mondays. There’s even songs about it. But as I sit here doing my morning work while sitting in the backyard, something incredible happened. I looked up from my computer to catch my 2 chickens snuggling and that sight made me so happy. As I turned, I saw a hummingbird happily drinking from my feeder, then I looked down to my 2 wonderful dogs enjoying the sunshine and over to the coop where a squirrel baby playing. All these things are seemingly mundane, but as I let it all in, I was overcome by a wave of gratitude and love that brought me to tears.
I am living the life of my dreams. Even now as I type this the tears are welling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. This is what I always wanted for myself. A good supportive man to call my husband, a house that feels like home, lots of animals to love, the health of myself and my family, freedom to work wherever I want, living in alignment and a purpose that I am able to embody. Every day is not perfect, but it is mine. I dreamed of this, I manifested this… and now I’m living in it. The joy I feel when I let my heart open to this truth is immeasurable.
Now you may be reading this feeling happy for my realization, or you may be sitting in judgement of me. I understand because I’ve been on both sides. Don’t worry, I still love you either way.
If you would have told me last year, on my 34th birthday (in Feb), that this would be my life now I may not have believed you. Although so much of my life was the same then, the way I experienced it was a lot different. Even though I hadn’t struggled with my eating disorder for years, was married, self sufficient, had accomplished goals I’d set and on the outside appeared happy… on the inside I felt lost. I didn’t really feel a whole lot of anything except for chronic pain from a recent car accident. All of this along with years of people pleasing, suppressing shame & other emotions, disassociation and ignoring my needs had caught up to me. I felt almost numb to life. Sure, I was ‘happy’ most of the time, but there was something blocking my ability to let it in.
I still remember it vividly, as I sat with my family that day surrounded with love (and cake) I couldn’t help but think “I could disappear from my own party and no one would even notice I’m gone”. I didn’t feel seen, and it was hard to feel love. I was stuck in a victim mentality, and it felt really comfortable there. But how could I feel seen if I could not be my authentic self? How could I feel loved when I wasn’t able to let it in or love all parts of myself? “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off” right? If you would have told me then that I was stuck in my role as the victim, I would have had a million defenses.
After that birthday I started really doing ‘the work’, seeing a coach, an EMDR therapist, TBM work, facing my shame, and focusing on finding out what my needs even were. No one was going to come and save me from my life experience, so I decided I would do it for myself (with the support of my husband).
A few weeks before my 35th birthday my husband greeted me at our front door with his cell phone and told me to “talk to Daniel we’re going…”. Aran had planned for us to celebrate my 35th birthday by visiting a Life Advancement Center in Costa Rica called Rythmia where they do 7 to 14-day Ayahuasca retreats. I had always wanted to try Ayahuasca, and Aran had recently become determined to do it so we booked the trip that very afternoon. I was a little nervous for the physical challenges, but I didn’t do any further research because I wanted to keep an open mind about the experience.
My experience with Ayahuasca (the medicine) and breathwork changed my life, or rather it changed the way I experience the life I already had. This is something I got a glimpse at when I first started practicing yoga almost 10 years ago, but now the effects were immediate. It set me on a new path and helped me release all that was holding me back. I’m forever grateful to my husband for ensuring that we both got to go through this experience in this lifetime and to the medicine for bringing me back home to myself.
[I will write more about my experience with plant medicine in another post.]
I was told by the medicine and my highest self what I was meant to do. My purpose is to help guide others on the path back to their highest self. To show others in pain or struggling that it’s possible to let go of their story and most importantly, that they are not alone. Life can be a struggle, but it can also be a beautiful journey. When you release the need to control what happens to you and instead aim to only control your reaction to it, life softens. When you see that all we really have is this very moment and take in the splendor of your life, it opens you up to a pure joy I had never known before.
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to hold 2 breathwork workshops and hold space for others. What a true honor it is to lead others back to themselves. I am in such a state of peace and gratitude for every single brave soul who showed up and did their work. As the energy in the room was rising and I was letting my words flow from my heart, I looked down at my watch: 2:22. Keep going, you are on the right path.
And today, in my backyard I still feel it. This is my life. What a magnificent gift we’ve all been given.
You deserve to live the life of your dreams, don’t forget that. It’s possible.
So much love for you all.
<3 Jess
